Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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