I smell stomach acid.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
We had to coat check the pizza.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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