i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
