Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
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