Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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