Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
