she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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