She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
