Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
