you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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