Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
