I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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