Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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