I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
