We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
