So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
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It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
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I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
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