fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
