Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
