cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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