I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
