What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
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We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
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He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone