Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
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Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
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Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said