I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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