I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
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Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
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Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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