I cannot find my penis.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
