Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
