Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
