I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I wear drunk well.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
