you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
