He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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