When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
