I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
