Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
