She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
