what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
