I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
