trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I need to calm my uterus...
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
