My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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