someone get that fucking seahorse.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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