Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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