No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
