How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
