ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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