I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
