I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward