Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.