it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
