its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.