he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
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Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
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I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.