She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
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A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
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My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything