I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
