Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
