Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I need to calm my uterus...
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
