So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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