well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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