But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
