Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
