Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
