if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
