how can u be prego again
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
