Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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